Chapter 16

The Academy

I went next to see Dr. Winston. This time I had some real questions which his Socratic method might or might not be able to solve.

He met me at his door, hat and jacket in hand. "Thought we'd go a-walking today. It's so very nice out and often perambulatory mental percolation is most effective. That's why they called it the Adademy, you know..." He smiled at his inside joke and gestured back out the same door I had just half-entered.

Shortly, we were outside in what seemed to be Spring on this un-named campus he worked on. The lawns, trees, walks and benches seemed reminiscent of so many various campuses, yet I could never put my finger on which one it was...

We walked silently amoung the curving walks and trees which were working to sprout leaves to cover their bareness. The benches passed by at various times, sometimes populated with single readers who enjoyed the sunshine, other times with couples involved in various small talk, sometimes the benches were bare and warming themselves for the next human occupant. Infrequent squirrels skittered about the lawn, checking things out and scurrying out of the way of the human visitors. While we met various other walkers, some of whom recognized Dr. Winston and nodded or smiled to him, there was room on the broad walks for several to walk abreast.

We continued this way for some time, just enjoying this spring day in silence, until the good doctor broke our quiet walk, "And what brought you to my service today, Herbert?"

Me: "It's this point of responsibility and freedom. So I could climb out of the sand box and leave all my friends to continue playing, while I risk falling on the rough concrete and perhaps wandering out into the street after negotiating the parked cars - not knowing the particulars of those same dangers. My friends could continue playing in that sand box indefinately, perfectly safe, but never knowing anything outside of that small, safe world."

Dr. W: "Well, you've picked some interesting topics. Both have innumerable references. Locke took freedom to a fascinating level, while personal reponsibility is a point of modern self-help books as well as basic religious scriptures. Lawyers make their bucks off pointing someone else as responsible, while the thrust of economics is built on various peoples' freedom to choose."

Me: "Narrowly, people have this choice of what to do with their lives."

Dr. W: "Personal choice about lifestyles. You know, mental attitude and opinion is all personal choice, layered in and self-looped, positive feedback scene. Makes dealing with some issues very hard for people."

Me: "Does this explain bitterness?"

Dr. W: "To some extent. Factually, it explains all emotions. Rhino was right in the point of creating your own attitudes and emotions. This is found in innumerable articles and subject to various scientific studies. For instance, Aristotle covered this as, 'Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way... you become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions.'Others cover it in more recent work, such as self-help author Dale Carnegie refers to William James' work - 'Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way... you become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions.'

"A more recent study proves this whole thing on a scientific basis, by consciously controlling the muscles which created smiles, people who lived emotionally frozen lives were able to honestly experience a wider range of emotions by forcing themselves to smile as a daily practice."

Me: "Yes, but this whole thing of having a complete world created for one. Supposing people like me then try to make their way out of that maze and then start to put their whole life back together again. Doesn't seem like this would be particularly easy or fun to do, despite 'thinking positive' all the time."

Dr. W: "True, it isn't the easiest thing to do. But let's take it down to basics. People think. They think all the time. This thought is done in reference to other held truths - which are true for them, regardless of being fantasy or slanted opinion by others. There are facts, which are verified truths, and conclusions - which are opinions about facts and truths one knows. Anyway, truths, opinions, considerations - all are built on each other, which are the result of accepted or observed data.

"This might be a bit thick; let's break it down: A person sees how people react to each other and forms an idea that this is the way to act. By living life in this fashion, that person is able to see if this is a workable way to treat each other and to get along. In this way a person validates the data he/she has observed as useful.

"Now, a person can take two datums and compare them to find out differences and similarities. One might find out that these produce a better, at least different result. Comparing the approach and style of two drivers on the same race track might give you a probable way to race that track, especially if you take other factors such as the car and weather being similar. However, if one were to take that data and apply it to driving on the regular street, the differences would be readily apparent."

Me: "Whoa, what does all this have to do with me getting my life back after all those years in the cult?"

Dr. W: "We're getting there. The short hand is that you are always thinking, always comparing data - perhaps even in your sleep. So it is inevitable that you will gradually re-compare all the data you swallowed in that 'cult' and re-evaluate it over time."

Me: "So that means I'll quit being bitter about the whole thing?"

Dr. W: "Depends if you want to or not. Many people profit from holding onto the apparent injustices and mistreatment they recieved while working or taking services from these organizations. There is money to be made in this society in being a victim.

"However, the end result of negative emotions constantly held in place can be various mental and physiological conditions that can shorten one's lifespan. As well, those around you may or may not wish to constantly have to endure one's diatribes against some group you that isn't around anymore."

Me: "Kinda like living with those people always telling how it was in the old days?"

Dr. W: "Something like that; that's a good example of it.

"You can't live in the past successfully, unless you make your living as a historical writer - but that is more a joke, since they are constantly bringing the past into the present with their more recent discoveries about what happened when."

Me: "Yeah, but I'm no writer, what's this got to do with me?"

Dr. W: "Bluntly, you can and will be changing the way you think, the things you consider, your opiions about those you knew and so your attitudes toward them will be changing.

"You can take the long route and let things settle into some new manner of living (which most people do) or actively work to sort out your attitudes and coach them into a more flexible position. In that way, you can overcome all these 'bitter' memories and thoughts you might have so that you can live a happier life for yourself."

Me: "That's a pretty simple view of things. I don't know that this will particularly work for me, though."

We sat on one of these empty benches. The sun was up in the mid-day sky, out of our eyes and hazy with the thin clouds covering it. Our jackets kept us warm and accumulated the sun's rays as well.

Dr. Winston picked this subject up after a thoughtful silence, "That's the nut of the whole thing. You get out of life what you put into it. Proved time and time again, all through history. Those college dropouts who made themselves rich did so on their own merit, no one else did this for them.

"So your scene would be no worse than theirs. You can deal with your bitterness or not. You can go and make yourself rich or commiserate with others on how bad the world treats you all."

Me: "Any thoughts on how I might start this journey?"

Dr. W: "As the old proverb, it would begin with a single step. Probably your best work would be to sort out what you have confidence in and what you know is questionable. Obviously, there must be something which continues to help that organization survive. Basic survival dynamics should be considered in what is 'right' about that group, as well as what is 'wrong' within them.

"In doing so, you will have to establish for yourself what you consider right and wrong. What helps you survive, to continue to exist, to even prosper? You might consider studying up on some successful moral codes and/or ethics studies which have been found useful over the ages. This might give you a comparative basis to start from.

"Cults are tricky as their logic is quite circular in defending themselves against the outside world. As they are often found on the defensive, you can expect that their PR and logic is quite well developed. However, you obviously found the chink in that armor or you wouldn't be working to get out - or coming to see me.

"This chink is what you would build from. It must be widened and just as studiously worked up in your own mind in order to build a stable base for your new life."

This last really got me thinking. I had no clue up to this point of what I was going to do after this in my real life, just how I was going to move back home and get a job and some money in the bank. But how to get all that other trash floating around in my head swept up and put in the round-file - that I'd never gotten around to sorting out. But all the bitterness and negative emotions I had which kept surfacing - those needed to be dealt with at some point, or the whole thing would be for naught. I'd change the outside suit of clothes, but still be the unwashed pilgrim underneath.

Me: "And how would you consider I start?"

Dr. W: "The kicker in this woodpile is that your cult has told you how to think, how to evaluate data. So you'll have to first work out if their basic ideas on thought are accurate. Otherwise, you might be working from a false logic base, which would lead you right back to the cult, as you'd inevitably trip on some of their circular logic.

"That cult even attempted to redefine how the laws of the physical universe worked, other than points like gravity, which can't be denied. But their explanation for how gravity worked cannot be proved - nor would you want to disprove it. Again, this requires you deal with their definitions and decriptions for things. So their circular logic would lead you back to their conclusions.

"The starting point, since you have studied how they think, is to determine how thinking is actually done in the real world, to take their basics back to basic. In order to understand logical thought, you must determine what is logic - how it works, what it is make up of, etc.

"As daunting as this might seem, you have company in that many, many people have traveled this same road before, even as Descartes was famous for his one-liner - you have to ask,'Did he get it straight?' There were others before and after him which studied thoughts on thinking. So this would seem the place to start."

Me: "And then? What would I be driving toward?"

Dr. W: "After you have thought figured out, you'd have to use that thought system (logic) to solve the evaluation of the rest of what you now find in apparent conflict. You've studied a great deal of stuff while you were in their care and influence. How much of this is actually valid? You are going to have to determine this for yourself.

"The bottom line is that you are going to have to solve this for yourself. The more time and energy you put into this, the faster the whole thing will recede into the background. This is the point which people forget in living their lives. The more you put into living, the more data is being assimilated, evaluated and made part of one's existence and daily operation.

"So, live large and the past recedes more quickly. Constantly live on ruminations and eke out only quiet, routine lives with little input - and you will then see little change in your life. This is how one author states it takes about 12 years to get over being in a cult. Boy, is that promising and enlightening for one's future!" The good doctor chuckled at his joke and continued, "But all that doesn't eliminate the point that your world is what you make it from now on. If you chose to make it big, it will be big - colorful and as full of life as you want to make it.

"It's over to you. Life is what you make it."

This struck me right where it would do the most good. At least I had a true route out now. Out from the life I had made for myself into one I could now again make for myself. I had been making my life all along, just giving some of the choices over to others for varying periods of time.

We rose and walked in quiet, my deep thoughts precluding any conversation with the good doctor, who respected my contemplation.

The curved walk brought us back to the Hall where Dr. Winston has his office.

Dr. W: "Ok, Herbert. Thanks for coming by today and the nice walk and talk. Always a pleasure to see you again. Guess I'd better get back into my work again - after all, that's what they pay me for." Smiles, shakes my hand, and turns up the few steps back into his own lifestyle.

I turned as the outdoor became brighter. The sun had emerged from the hazy clouds as the day had warmed. Birds were chirping, a slight wind stirred the nascent leaves on the trees. The breeze was scented with the fresh air of green grass and a moist morning maturing into a bright afternoon.